Why I love Life Drawing?
Why I love life drawing, or why it love me?
I can’t explain this in any sense of the techniques or any other aspect which has a variable attached to it. I think I am fascinated by energies, the quantum world in relation to this and how it affects all, yet most people do not sit back and examine it. Most are programmed into their traumas or into their 9-5s or their familiarities, either relationships, connections, or even their surroundings. They will or won’t or can’t or do not know how to sit back and examine the world they are in; they look at it from their ego, or the loss and gain, or from a point of reward and punishment—surface-level variables that I can agree and disagree with at the same time. I am not casting judgment or any sort of moral or intellectual superiority; I am just laying the foundation of this topic.
I think since we are children, we are programmed by our caregivers in one way or another; this is the program we run on in our daily lives. The ones that feel familiar, the ones that we can relate to—anything else triggers our nervous system, and the unknown becomes a subject of fear that has to be thrown back into the void or ignored or just left behind, until one day “we wake up.” It is a different process for everyone and time is irrelevant here; it is a matter of desire and a matter of the gravitational forces and if they are willing to reach to their “higher self,” where they stop their generational trauma or loss or fears or the oscillation that happens or the ramification or the choices that are no longer choices but necessary steps for their human experience, instead of just the familiar or the fatalities in their lives, which they keep going back to and stay in till their time is no more here in their vessel they are in.
This is the basis of how I or my subconscious has laid the foundation for life drawing. For me, it is the rarest form of human existence in that narrative. There is no need for a language, no need for right or wrong, no need for a medium, no need for why nudity is valid or not, no need for aesthetics when it comes to body and shape, no need for any awkwardness, no need for being exposed or being seen, no need for any clothes or sometimes even props; all those elements are automatically nullified. No need for the model or to wonder about fear and loss or being abandoned. These are a few reasons why I love life drawing. I had no language for more than a decade; I could not speak, I could only observe how I felt or how I thought. I had to learn how to integrate my thoughts into expression as a child, and either be rewarded or punished for it. This does not exist in life drawing, unless again you approach it from a technical point of view, and if you do, that is your ego seeking validation; it has no place in this medium. It basically means you are seeking approval and a sense of importance, and if so, your work is already falsified and has no place in authenticity.
Now, with that being said, should you study the basics? That is a personal choice, or an institutional choice of yours and on what you are seeking. From my perspective, I rejected it all, even after “losing” a few thousand dollars. The reason is very simple: I want to feel the energies, I want my sensitivities to pick up on how it is being presented to me, I want a relationship with my hand, my paper, and the hard charcoal I am using. Do I plan these in my head? No, I tend to feel it; I overwrite my brain and shut it down, not the other way around. I will feel the paper, I will feel the energies in the room, the vibrations that are present; I will stop language, interpretation, and I will let my hand guide the movements. I will not course-correct or go back and retouch, or even go to others for approval. I look at the model—male, female, it does not matter—I look at the form, I look at the tensions, I look at the inside movement, the chaos, the madness, or the calm or the spirit or the lack of it. If I make eye contact and we lock eyes, I feel the energy flow; I do not ask questions or think, I stop language of any sort. I let closeness sweep in; I let it pass my avoidance. If it causes me discomfort, even if it causes me anxiety, I let it be. I sit in the moment and let my hand take over, and then let it be. I am high energy by nature, not ADHD or hyperactivity—those are mundane and lazy labels for the masses. That is not me; if you must use them, sure, no issues. As I said, I let my hand guide me and the forces in the room. I keep most of the attention on the model, not on what is appearing on paper; I think 95% of my attention or eyes are on the model, and maybe 5%, if so, on the paper. I move fast most of the time, letting my hand and shoulder produce what they need to by creation, never by force.
I look for all the movements, wherever they are taking place, as I love these, and I find it fascinating, as I do go into moments of tunnel vision where it is just me and the model and no one else in the room, in spite of people being in the room.
Do I critique my work? Yes, absolutely, but from a feelings perspective, never from technique, as that comes naturally once desire, passion, and a sense of “purpose” (I could not find a better word besides purpose; I know I can look it up, but I’d rather not) arrive.
Do I pick my favourites? Yes, I do. How? Again, based on the emotions I experience. Again, this has helped me overcome my avoidance and the avoidance death wheel as well.
Is this whole article arrogant, pompous, and childlike? I hope so, should you want to put labels on it; then by all means it is.
Do I think I am god-sent or someone who is better than others? Maybe, maybe not; I will leave that to you. My question to you would be: Are we not all from the stars? So should we not shine the brightest without apologies or dimming our lights to fit in the mould? And what is the mould? I say fear and barriers to present to ourselves; the self-talk we have with ourselves, that is what shapes us.
To summarize this in one sentence:
I view Life Drawing as two pulsars dancing around each other till the end of known time.